Breaking bread with others is one of life’s many simple pleasures....that is, until you change your dietary habits. Holiday gatherings, family events, workplace lunches, dinner parties, and restaurants/take away, are all opportunities for people who don’t ‘get’ your new choices to voice an opinion.
Often, when we make a changes (big or small) others around us are not necessarily at the same place at the same time. Most of us have a need to be supported and understood for making better food choices that align with our shifting values and evolving health goals. What then are we to do when the uninvited, unkind or uninformed comments start to fly around the table?
Step 1
All understanding begins with compassion, empathy and patience - on both sides of the conversation, but it is likely going to have to start - and be demonstrated, by you first. Begin by having gratitude for the many, many opportunities to practise grace in a calm manner.
Understand that reactions around your changes are not about you. It’s never about you. People want to know that the food choices you make aren’t a rejection of them or their attempts to demonstrate culture, hospitality, affection, friendship or trust through the food and drink that is offered.
Understand that the changes you are making may trigger unaddressed thoughts and emotions of insecure people who are jealous or just disappointed in their own health related decisions - but aren’t ready to have a look at their own lives.
Begin here:
- Stay in a curious frame of mind and stay in a place of wonder. Be kind and generous with any assumptions that you might make “hmmm..I wonder if...” “gee..I wonder why he/she reacted that way?” “what would it be like to be him/her right now in this moment?”
- Find an opportunity to give an authentic complement. Food that we would no longer choose for ourselves can still look and smell divine, we can still appreciate the attention and work that went into creating food items, we can still be interested in how a dish was made even if we have no intention of eating it.
- Ask for a simple swap. For example, the beverage choices offered may not suit your needs so don’t be afraid to suggest an alternative - like water... but if your water choice must come from a spring in a mountain from another continent, packed in glass bottles, prayed over by monks and chilled to 12 degrees C, you may want to take a brief moment to consider if there is any validity in the concerns and comments being made by trusted friends.
Step 2
On the other hand, this is your journey - not theirs, and their approval is not needed. When we look outside of ourselves and to others for approval and/or validation, we loose touch with our inner sense of what we personally value and what it takes to feel our very best selves.
Often our food transitions begin alone. When we choose change our eating habits, it might sometimes leave us feeling a bit alienated. Food is often the centrepiece of gatherings and special occasions and is representative of various types of connections. Aside from the social implications, the food we grew up eating can be intertwined with our identity, feelings of safety and comfort, and our earliest memories, which is why we sometimes feel at a loss when we forge a new path.
Begin here:
- Focus on where you can improve your own choices as you find your own way and come to your own conclusions.
- If criticism continues to irritate you, then thoughtfully consider why you are giving certain people’s opinions on this subject weight in the first place.
- Food evangelism is annoying - so just don’t. Nobody asked you to tell them what they ‘must’ and ‘should’ be doing, so keep your mouth shut on the subject. Peter Senge said it best “People don’t resist change, they resist being changed.”
Step 3
Do your own thing anyway. Own your life choices in an authentic way. Not everyone is ever going to ‘get it’ and create a comfortable space for you to be yourself and explore your new choices. Unapologetically but politely, claim this space for yourself.
There will be attempts at emotional manipulation with statements like “I made it just for you”, “One bite won’t kill you”, “Why are you being so difficult?”, “But I spent all this money”. Limit and subvert debate on what isn’t up for discussion by knowing and setting your boundaries.
Begin here:
- Have a plan. It may include bringing your own food with enough for everyone, or have a stash of take away/restaurant menus with options that you’ve circled that suit your needs, or calling the restaurant the day before to see if a special meal order is an option.
- In a non-judgemental, quiet, confident way (read: zero drama) explain your ‘why’ - but keep it short. “I’ve noticed that I sleep better when...” “I hate the bloated feeling I get when...” or something like “these options serve my health goals”
- Don’t make your food choices everyone else’s problem with the expectation that others ought to not only accommodate but also change with you. Stressing your KFC loving host who does minimal cooking with demands of gluten-free, soy-free, NON GMO, local, seasonal, certified organic and vegan will land you in a corner with a celery stick shoved up your (ahem).
Step 4
Find a supportive network. Who are already your peeps? Who else in your community might be on the same path and where do they hang out? Keep an eye and an ear open to positive places that are keen to help problem solve, and will celebrate your successes.
Sometimes during periods of change we need to avoid toxic people and toxic ideas for periods of time - just until we are more grounded and in a more secure place with our new routines. Doing this is a form of self care because it preserves our energy (continual criticism can be mentally exhausting) and developing new habits takes time.
Begin here:
- Social media sites have pretty good search engines to find common interests and using hashtags can narrow a search quite quickly
- Ask for help and reach out to cheerleaders for feedback. Let the people closest to you know that you are making important changes to your health and that you will need their support, and thank the ones that have been beside you for the whole ride already.
- Find your community by going out and doing stuff, and by sending out personal invitations and see who comes. Decide what you want to accomplish, try it, see what happens, and adjust before you try something else. Make small connections between your ideas and the ideas of everyone else. Notice where there is diversity and where there is uniformity. Watch where the energy flows, as well as, when and where it gets restricted. Enjoy the process.
One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life.
And with that, she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them.
So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humour and grace.
She was the Queen of her own life, the choice was hers.
- Kathy Kinny
At Boreal Food Studio our mission is to help women navigate their ‘new normal’ after breaking up with fast food culture.